2011: The Year Pop Punk Strikes Back

Ahhh... 2001. Sure, there was that whole 9/11 thing and the subsequent stock market crash that was only a warning of things to come, but yet it was a much simpler time. The Lord of the Rings movies were still a fanboy's wet dream, and Family Guy was relatively under the rader (and actually funny). So we hadn't quite mastered space travel like Kubrick predicted in 2001: A Space Odyssey, but America was pretty well off (and pretty well liked by at least some European countries). The only thing more important than the geopolitical atmosphere of a pre-9/11 world is the music that people were listening to.

Believe it or not, there was a time before all this. Most historians

are referring to this period as the Pre-Douchezoic Era.

Now, I don't know if you've heard, but there was this band called blink-182, and they played a fairly big part in bringing this genre of music called "Pop Punk" into the mainstream media. Before you punk experts go running off and saying that Green Day released Dookie in 1994 and they had been slowly popularizing the genre for 7 years before this, just let me say fuck you, allow me to make my point. Blink-182 reached what could be considered the apex of their popularity just after releasing their second big-hit album Take Off Your Pants and Jacket (trolololol penis joke) and therefore pop punk could be considered at the apex of its popularity at this time as well. Bands such as Blink, Green Day, Lit, The Offspring, and Sum 41 were cranking out Top 40 hits like it was nobodies business, and within the next year Bowling for Soup, Simple Plan, Good Charlotte, and New Found Glory would all be household names. Warped Tour, believe it or not, was a big fucking deal, and served as a launching pad for many other pop punk, ska punk, and alt bands. America was in love with their punk music, and so was I*! So what the fuck happened?

Coincidentally, the iPod was released in late-2001, followed by growing popularity

over the next few years. I don't want to point fingers, but I'm lookin' at you Jobs.

I know you're behind all of this.

Many of the bands mentioned above grew "mature tastes" and thought people would like them just as much if they stopped joking around and made "serious music". There's a reason comedians do comedy and not Shakespearean dramas, which many of these bands learned the hard way as they lost the popularity they once had. Granted, Green Day's American Idiot kicked total ass, but without other bands just as popular/good to surround them, the public slowly lost interest in the genre. Pop punk bands were the comedians of the music industry, and once they faded out of the public eye, many other bands and genres that they kept in check soon ran rampant and remain uncontrolled. Our only chance of rescue from these Gaga ladies and Black Eyed Peas is to have a sudden resurgence in the punk genre of music, but I'm afraid it is almost too late.

There is no God. Bow before Klaatu.

Fast forward to 2011. The United States is in recovery from one war in Iraq, another in Afghanistan, and 3 years of economic instability. The Hobbit movies are still a fanboy's wet dream, and Family Guy has survived cancellation but left its pride and humor behind in the grave. So we haven't mastered space travel like that other guy predicted in 2010: The Year We Make Contact, but America is well on its way to cutting funding to NASA entirely. The only thing more depressing than the current state of world affairs is the music that people are listening to.

Seriously. There is no God. This picture is all the proof you need.

Yet there is still hope. From the ashes of this dystopian world, where millions of people listen to a kid go through puberty on stage, a new Phoenix shall rise. The signs are already there, after all, the blink-182 reunion tour reminded everyone how awesome punk music was and can be. Their future studio album (to be released sometime this summer) has a number one spot reserved for it, and then its only a matter of time before the masses start looking back at the bands of their youth, of 2001, of the good ol' days. Then they will realize that all of those bands: Blink, MxPx, Bowling for Soup, The Ataris, Sum 41, Less Than Jake, Simple Plan, and Yellowcard are releasing new albums this year. It is only a matter of time before Pop Punk comes back to the mainstream, and saves the music industry from what was an inevitable doom. And you know what? Who cares if they suck. We need them.

Keep drumming Travis. Keep drumming your god damned heart out.

* I was in 3rd grade at this time. It would take me approximately 2-3 more years to appreciate music, followed by another year to discover and listen to most of these bands.

Why 'The Hobbit' Movie Will Be the End of the World

In the past few weeks, more information has been released about the upcoming fantasy prequel to 'Lord of the Rings', one of the best films of the past decade (17 Oscars, and 30 Nominations across 3 movies). This information has led to a shocking revelation about how the future of mankind is tied to this movie.

'The Hobbit' tells the story of how Sauron's ring came to be in the possession of Bilbo Baggins, which lays the foundation for the story told in 'Lord of the Rings'. However, this is only a small segment of a fantastic journey taken by Frodo's uncle Bilbo Baggins across Middle Earth that involves spiders, wolves, goblins, and about a dozen, short, hairy men. Sadly, Danny DeVito does not have a role in this film.

The original Lord of the Rings was shot and released almost 10 years ago, with the final movie coming out in December 2003. The movies were critically and financially successful, and rejuvenated a classic fantasy world. As soon as Return of the King ended its box office run, enthusiasts and critics alike talked about making The Hobbit into a movie, but due to issues with the companies and directors bailing on the project it wasn't announced until a few years ago. Recent cast and set photos led to an announced release date of December 19, 2012 for the first half of the two-part tale. December 19th, 2012 happens to fall on a Wednesday, two days before the dramatic deadline of 12/21/2012.

Most movies are released on Fridays to match the start of the weekend and therefore maximize profits. But before Christmas, movies come out at all different days of the week, mainly avoiding big travel days, amongst others. I have found signs from secret diagrams in cast and set pictures that tell of a mass hysteria that settles over the country as the world heads towards this judgement day. Due to severe news hype of potential terror attacks, the whole country is on edge approaching the 21st, and turn to forms of escapism to break free from the stress. Many, as predicted, will turn to rioting, severe drug abuse, and even suicide, but many turn to the movie theaters to see The Hobbit. By the time Friday the 21st rolls around, word of mouth and critical praise from the past two days cause an increased turn out for an already big release. Lines at movie complexes all over the globe reach immense length as theater capacity has been filled to the brink. A deadly combination of stress from long lines, December weather, and news hype will eventually boil over and bloody riots will break out at movie theaters everywhere. This is a projected timeline of events:

Something like this, more or less.

December 21st, 2012

6:00 AM: Most of the world wakes up as usual, but many sleep in, don't show up to work, start drinking, and the unrest begins.

12:00 PM: Lunch hour for an uneasy population. Everyone is almost waiting for something to happen, as many stay in their homes or offices.

5:00 PM: With the exception of minor rioting and increased misdemeanor activity, the world survives the business day without a catastrophe.

7:00 PM: The first wave of people begin to show up to watch The Hobbit, long lines ensue.

8:30 PM: Due to the long nature of the Lord of the Rings movies, one can expect The Hobbit to be just as long. At the halfway point of the movie, people waiting outside start to get uneasy, restless, and rowdy. More people begin to get banned and kicked out from the theaters, but still the lines grow.

9:30 PM: Many people start retaliating against the theaters for kicking them out. Making the wrong move, some of the theaters react by shutting down entirely. This only worsens attitudes for those watching the movie as they had to leave without seeing the end. Riots are almost inevitable.

10:00 PM: The first big wave of people who have seen the movie stumble onto the chaos outside the theaters. Many people go mad after seeing it, proclaiming it the greatest movie ever made and declare Ea their all knowing god and creator. People rush the theater to get a seat for the next round of showings, riots ensure.

11:00 PM: The Followers of Ea (any drugged out LOTR nerd that believes in Ea, who has seen the movie) start congregating in major cities and suburban areas. They move in groups and attack people who havent seen the movie, or aren't trying to see it. An armed group of 200 Followers march on the National Mall, causing mayhem and destruction.

11:30 PM: By this point all Hell has broken loose. National Guard soliders, and SWAT teams combat violent groups of Followers in nearly every major metropolitan area. In a moment of self-fulfillment, news and media hype of all the violence only worsens the situation as the national population breaks into panic.

December 22nd, 2012

12:00 AM: New York City, Washington D.C., Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago, Boston, and Denver all have major fires and fighting in the streets. L.A. has turned into a battlefield amongst rival gangs with no law to hold them in check. By the time the sun rises on the next day, Central Park and a quarter of Manhattan are lost to fires, 100 armed Followers have taken control of the Capitol Building, and more continue to join them.

6:00 AM: In a matter of 24 hours the United States of America is in shambles, with several other world powers following suit. A major faction emerges nearly overnight with the Followers of Ea, who are now in a bloody Civil war with the US Government. The Civil War turns international as many governments band together against the Followers, which leads to a many year struggle that ravages the planet.

December 21st, 2112

The Followers of Ea celebrate their victory over the governments of the world, and begin a regression in human culture and intellect. Reverting back to the lifestyle seen in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, but offering genetic alterations that could make them a creature of their choice: Hobbit, Elf, Man, Orc, Dwarf, or even Troll. This new society takes the technologies of the early 21st century, but only uses them to enhance the more fantastic aspects of their new world. The world has essentially become Middle Earth.

--------

Or you know, everything just goes on like normal and we continue living our lives.

Harry Pothead and the Sorcerer's Bong (a parody)

Chapter 1: The Boy Who Blazed

If you know nothing about the world of Stoners it might be good to know that they’re different from you and I. They have a deep seeded past that has been erased from the history books. No man or woman knows where the first Stoner came from, or who even invented Marijuana, but Stoners have often been shamed on and even treated harshly by all societies...

---

Vernon Durslame was a successful businessman and has enjoyed a happy marriage with his wife Tulip, who most recently had given birth to a large young boy named Thudley. Now Durslame is a very Christian man; he keeps a bible on every end table and a crucifix on every bedroom wall. Tulip shares their passion for Christ, and they dream everyday of raising the most perfect British family. Vernon often recalls his one experience with Tulip’s sister Frilly and her husband James. Frilly and James were very different from the Durslames, who often shunned them and didn’t recognize them as legitimate family members. Tulip and Vernon tried to avoid “their kind” daily, but as anyone else who cared enough to pay attention, they could see them everywhere.

---

The day after Thudley’s very first Halloween started off with a drag. Vernon was very tired from staying up late the previous night sorting out the cavity-causing candy from the healthy treats. He pulled himself into his work clothes and got on his way. As he drove along his peaceful town he noticed an awful lot of smoke in the air. He thought to himself that London doesn’t have very much smog, but who knows with all this industrialization and that global warming nonsense. When Vernon got into the inner city he noticed that a lot of people with beards and long hair were walking about, very unusual for the business district, but he turned a blind eye to it as always.

“Damn long-hairs” muttered Vernon to himself.

After returning home later that evening he considered the oddness of the day’s events and sat down next to Tulip at the dinner table.

“Tulip. Have you talked to Frilly or James at all recently?”, asked Vernon as smoothly as possible.

Tulip’s eyes bolted open and her face carried an expression as if she had just shit herself.

“Why no, I haven’t. What makes you ask that”, she said with a most palpable distaste.

“I just noticed that some of their people might have been in and around town today. And a lot more than usual!”

“Well good for them, maybe they could learn from their surroundings and get in touch with reality.”

“Yes, yes I agree, but... doesn’t your sister have a son around Thudley’s age?” asked Vernon although he already knew the answer.

“They do. The brat’s name is Harry,” said Tulip once more with a sense of utter disgust.

Vernon got the idea that this was enough conversation about her sister’s family and told Tulip he was going to check on Thudley and retire for the evening. Tulip told him she would follow him shortly.

---

Sometime around midnight, whilst the entire Durslame family was asleep, a man walked around the street corner and headed up the road towards the Durslame’s house. The man looked most unusual wearing no shirt, a peace sign medallion, purple latex pants, and had his extraordinarily long white beard in dreadlocks. He wore half-moon glasses with the slightest black tint, and his overall appearance gave people who saw him the impression he was a very wise man. This man’s name is Albino Dumbledope.

Dumbledope continued up the road when he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He looked over carefully and put his hand on the .357 Magnum he had holstered around his waist. Then, before Albus could even react, a massive 8 to 10 foot tall black man fell from the bushes nearly crushing the old man.

“Ah it was just you Hagreen. I was afraid that our enemy had already returned from the dead to attack me,” Dumbledope said calmly as he took his hand off his weapon.

“Yea is jus’ me. I brought ya da boy. He seem to be aiight, but he got this real mess’d up scar on his fo’head,” whispered Rubeus Hagreen, who is a Jamaican of abnormal size.

Dumbledope leaned over to look at the scar Hagreen had aforementioned. It was most peculiarly shaped, and almost looked like a lightning bolt. He shook his head in his old age and pulled out his lighter to get a better view. He took another gander at the scar, which was actually shaped like a leaf of Marijuana.

“Hmmm, that is indeed a strange scar, it must be the mark from where he attacked him. Oh poor Frilly and James,” said Dumbledope, gradually sounding sadder as he continued his sentence.

“Uh sir, tis true den? Da boy really keeled Lard Gene’talwart,” asked Hagreen inquisitively.

“Yes, Hagreen, it is true. Lord Genitalwart is dead. All thanks to this boy. Was there anything unusual about the site of the killing?”

“Nut’ing ou’ of da place, ‘cept dat dis boy smelled like da 'erb. Da boy was blazed ou’ of his min’.”

“So what all the others have said is true. Well it is really time we get going. I have written the note and everything. This will be the boy’s home until he is ready. Put him down on the step Hagreen.”

Hagreen placed young Harry down on the Durslames' door step and quietly whispered his goodbyes. He got up and moved out of the way so Dumbledope could speak to the boy himself.

"You've done us a great justice today Harry," said Albino. He peered into the baby's dark green eyes and passed his fingers over the leaf-shaped scar above them. He then quietly whispered to himself, "The boy who blazed."

"Dumbledope, sir, we hav' to get back soon," murmured the giant Hagreen.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I just have this strange feeling when I'm near this boy, it's like... his destiny and mine are intertwined. As almost as if I can feel his very life force..."

Hagreen rolled his eyes as Dumbledope talked more. He has heard this a thousand times from every stoner this side of Dover, its a pretty tell tale sign that they're feeling their "magical ways". Hagreen gave up the leaf himself a long time ago, but that is another story for another day.

"...And then Professor Vape tells me that my purple pants are too revealing, but I mean I run an illegal boarding school for stoners, does it even matter?"

"Sir, lets go, yo' tak mo' den a twelve yea' ol'," said Hagreen as he grabbed the rambling old man.

The odd couple walked back up the street to where Hagreen had almost crushed Albino, and stopped.

"How did you get here my dear Hagreen? Did you finally get that Carlos to give you back your bobsled?" asked Dumbledope politely.

"As a matta' o' fact, 'e did. Fres' paint jo' and e'rything," said Hagreen proudly, peeling back the bushes to reveal a polished green, red, yellow, and black bobsled.

"Marvelous!" exclaimed the elderly stoner, "Lets go!"

In what would surely be an awkward sight for any witness, Dumbledope climbed into the magical bobsled, and squeezed himself in between Hagreen's dark, chiseled thighs. Looking back at Hagreen in approval, Dumbledope gave the thumbs up, and they were off into the dark of night. But before the Durslame's house was nothing more than a speck, Albino Dumbledope looked back and whispered to himself again.

"The boy who blazed."

Chapter 2: Because I Got High

(to be continued...?)

4 Cutest Pokemon With Terrifying Evolutions

Alright, big surprise, everybody who knows me knows that I like Pokemon. I've been a fan of the franchise ever since I found a soaking wet Paras card next to the diving board at the swimming pool. I picked it up out of curiosity, realized that this must be one of those Pokemans all those guys were talking about, asked my mom if we could go to the mall to buy Pokemon cards, and the rest is history.

I'm pretty sure this was my first wet dream.

But I digress, I recently received Pokemon Heartgold, the newest installment in the popular Game Freak franchise, and as I stumbled my way across the Johto region I couldn't help but notice how cute some of the Pokemon were. However, some of them evolve into giant beasts that could tear you limb from limb just by looking at you. One could almost argue that Pokemon is Creationist propaganda for showing that no matter how cute and cuddly something is, evolution will turn it into a grizzled death machine. Thus, I present the four cutest Pokemon with terrifying evolutions.

4) Houndour- The Dark Pokemon

Ok, granted this one is classified as "the Dark Pokemon", it's just a little puppy! Look at the picture on the left, sure its wearing a skull, but it looks like it just wants to snuggle right up next you. I don't even see how I have to make an argument for this Pokemon being cute, its a freaking puppy. As long as your not camping by yourself on Route 15 when a pack of these guys come rolling along, I don't see any real threat. The evolution on the other hand...

The Evolution: Houndoom

The stuff nightmares are made of.

Holy shit, I'm pretty sure every single one of us has had a nightmare that involved something that looked like that. If you gave that thing two more heads you could ship it to Hell and make it a guard dog. Not only that, but I can see about 5 different parts of the body that could kill or maim me in one way or another. This dog looks like survived a Michael Vick dogfight and spent the last few years training itself for revenge by eating small animals and wearing their bones as trophies. If you aren't intimidated by looking at this thing, then all you'd have to do is point your Pokedex at it, see its name has doom in it, and run. Maybe if you sacrifice your Pikachu, you might have enough time to run away before it chases you down and drags you into a cold abyss.

3) Magikarp- The Fish Pokemon

Anybody who has played Pokemon encountered Magikarp in the same way: You got the Old Rod, you head to the nearest body of water to test it out, after a few tries you finally get a bite! Excited, you see the new Pokemon called "Magikarp" and decide to catch it, after all its level 10, which is higher than both your Pidgey and Rattata. You bring him out in the next trainer battle, only to see that it just knows Splash. You select Splash and the next line of text sums up everything you need to know about Magikarp: But nothing happened!

Seeing "Not even a nibble" is more gratifying than catching a Magikarp.

Frankly, Magikarp is so goddamn pathetic that its cute; it's the same feeling you get watching an idiot try to do advanced calculus. Despite its lack of everything, you keep the pathetic excuse for a Pokemon around, maybe you can at least teach it Surf, after all it is a water Pokemon! (You can't). Finally, it reaches level 20, and has learned nothing other than tackle. You decide as you finish up the battle that Magikarp must be some kind of sick joke the producers put in the game to fuck with kids like you, and you prepare to release it to the wild. However, after the battle ends, you see something that you thought you would never see:

WHAT!?

Magikarp is evolving!

You sit in silence and awe as the cinematic continues...

The Evolution: Gyarados

FUCK. YES.

You don't know whether to celebrate or cry out in terror. You finally rid yourself of your cute, little Magikarp, but in return you got a giant, pissed off Chinese dragon. Gyarados is the Pokemon equivalent of Bill O'Reilly: it's always mad, always has its mouth open, will lash out at any living thing, and it votes Republican. Try ever swimming in the Pokeocean in comfort again knowing that eventually every Magikarp (too many to count) will evolve into this atrocity. But at least they're all under the water! Oh wait, Gyarados is classified as a Water-Flying type Pokemon, which means just running onto the beach won't save you from this thing, cause it will fly out of the fucking water and won't stop until it has your blood.

2) Swinub- The Pig Pokemon

I honestly can only think of a few things IRL that are cuter than a Swinub, such as puppies and kittens snuggling against a dough-eyed fawn in a meadow in the middle of a scenic forest. This is hands down the cutest Pokemon, and considering its a clump of fur with a pig snout, thats saying a lot. Anybody would just love to cuddle with that thing, it just looks like a reanimated pillow, and probably wouldn't mind you using it as one since it's always asleep. Honestly, before I started typing this section I didn't even know that they had feet, but it somehow only makes them cuter. (Just don't ask to see what it looks like without fur)

I'm afraid he has a case of Swinub Flu.

Some of you may ask, how can something that sweet and meme-worthy turn into something terrifying? Well, the good ol' folks down at Nintendo decided for Diamond and Pearl Versions that Swinub (and its less cute adolescent evolution Piloswine) needed an upgrade. So they worked long and hard and finally gave us...

The Evolution: Mamoswine

Mamoswine aint nuthin 2 fuk wit

We give you Mamoswine, the giant pig.. elephant... mammoth thingy. Goodbye sweet, innocent Swinub. Hello testosterone pumped, war-painted Mamoswine! Mamoswine sounds like a very bad strain of the Swine Flu. You could very easily call into work saying you're sick with Mamoswine, and odds are they'd believe you. This thing looks ready to kill. No more cuddle sessions, its the fucking cavemen era and survival is key. Mamoswine is ready to go John Rambo on some trainers, he's got his war paint on and some traumatic Ice Age memories. After all, elephants don't forget, especially when we take them down and skin them for hides. When it comes down to it just pray that you have a Pokemon that can fly because these guys like to stampede.

Grizzlies are total pussies.

1) Squirtle- The Tiny Turtle Pokemon

Dawww, Squirtle, how you water gunned your way into all of our hearts. If there was one Pokemon I could have in real life, it'd be a Squirtle (total chick magnet). I don't even need to explain Squirtle, if you don't know anything about Squirtle, then you probably stopped reading a while before this point. Also, Squirtle is only made cuter by the fact that Wartortle looks like an Yoda stuffed in a turtle shell.

Like a fucking boss.

The Evolution: Blastoise

Well, I just shit myself. Apparently you can become weaponized as part of the evolutionary process, which kind of worries me. Blastoise doesn't fuck around, he's like if Bowser finally decided to do something with his life and pimped out his turtle shell. Let's see Mario use those fireballs with a face full of highly pressurized water. I honestly cannot say what I would do if I encountered a wild Blastoise besides pray that I never hurt any of its family, and hope those cannons are all for show.

I fear for all living things.

The Week in News: Hannah Bongtana, /b/-tards Fight for Internet Freedom, and a Time Magazine Conspiracy?

The Week in News (12/8-12/15):

I bring you the news thats almost worth caring about.

Extra, extra! Miley Cyrus does Salvia! No one cares!

So in case you haven't heard, a video was leaked of Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana) taking a nice hearty bong rip, then proceeding to laugh her ass off and speak nonsense for 2 minutes. (Watch the video here!)

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Pretty much everybody was in an uproar over this and began to say how she's doomed to be the next Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton, which isn't a bad thing for the upskirt and sex-tape crowd. However, everyone seems to skim over the fact that she just turned 18, and this is what teenagers do, even if they are an idol to thousands of kids. It would be a bigger issue if she does this all the time, which any observant person could see she doesn't, as someone else lights the bong for her, and she can't even clear half of it. Also, its not even weed, its salvia, a substance completely legal in California. So basically half the country is in an uproar over a legal individual doing a completely legal substance (although Salvia is meant to be burned as incense). Will she go the way of the washed up, track-mark riddled drama queen? Probably. But in the meantime, I want real celebrity drama. (I'm lookin' at you Charlie Sheen)

A face only a mother and a pornstar could love.

4Chan's worst take up the call of arms, march off to Cyberwar.

In seemingly unrelated events, a hacker group called Anonymous has declared a cyber war on anyone against the now infamous website Wikileaks. Following the arrest of Julian Assange in the UK last Tuesday, the hacktivist group launched a series of DDoS attacks on Visa, Mastercard, PayPal, the Swedish Government, Sarah Palin, Amazon, and more. The group claims to fight for internet freedom, but all this is proving to the US Government is that they need to keep the internet on a leash. I'm all for net neutrality, and I approve what Wikileaks is trying to do (to an extent), but this isn't helping our cause whatsoever. Nonetheless, I find myself supporting the renegade group of virgin males more and more, mainly due to some of the stuff that Wikileaks has uncovered about our own government. I like to think of Anonymous as the Internet's own William Wallace, slowly amassing an army to keep the land free from oppression.

I'm sick and tired of WMG muting my goddamn YouTube videos!

In an effort to better understand Anonymous, I went to the group's place of origin: 4Chan's /b/ forum. After 3 seconds I made a horrible realization, the very people that we despise, ridicule, and blame for ruining the Internet, are saving the Internet: Trolls. 4Chan's /b/ forum is home to the most disgusting, racist, and strange things on the world wide web, and the people who post on it are equally disgusting, racist, and strange. But these people, these things, are fighting to the 404 Error page for our freedom, and for that I thank them. Next time you see a Troll, feel free to get mad, but remember that they're the ones doing all the dirty work.

Saving the Internet, one disgustingly offensive wall post at a time.

Mark Zuckerberg wins TIME Person of the Year! Wait, what?

It was announced earlier this morning that Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, won the prestigious honor of Person of the Year from TIME Magazine. I'm not taking anything away from him, I mean, he has had more of an impact on any one of us than Barack Obama, Jon Stewart, or the Prime Minister of Turkey, but Julian Assange absolutely crushed him in the readers choice. As a matter of fact, Julian Assange crushed everybody in the readers choice, with the next highest guy coming in 230,000 votes behind. Do the readers' opinions not count for anything? Apparently not. Wikileaks has rocked numerous governments around the world to their cores, and completely changed the world political game. I think thats as a good a reason as any to nominate a guy for Person of the Year.

Or at least Pretentious Douche of the Year

I'm calling shenanigans on this one. TIME was probably pressured by the US Government to not award Assange the honor, since he kind of made them look bad. Alright, maybe not, but something is definitely fishy with all of this.

4 Ways Video Games Have Made Me a Better Person

In true Cracked style, I have realized that if you want people to read and enjoy what you say, you must deliver it in tiny, list-sized bites. I'm a fan of the list format, and have decided to make my first true post a list in tribute to one of my favorite sites.

Now, people like to rag on videogames a fair amount, but few look past the blood-stained, foul-mouthed exterior and see the true goodness that they bring. Besides costing a gut-wrenching $60 a pop and being partially responsible for desensitizing our culture, here are four ways that video games have impacted my life for the better.

1) I learned how to tolerate idiots

I propose a challenge to all of you. Go turn on your console, put in Halo or Call of Duty (has to be one of these two), plug in your headset, and try to go through a minimum of two games without muting one person. Most of you probably lasted four minutes before a 12-year-old boy called you a shit-licking cock sucker. You tried to defend yourself with a witty comeback, but it only acted as fuel to his fire. The verbal onslaught begins, and before long, you find yourself returning the game in tears to your local GameStop. Welcome to the world of XBox Live, and the world of loud idiots.

And not the funny kind of loud idiot either.

Now I've been called just about everything in the insult book, from stupid bitch to mung-eating, donkey-fucking, ass-licking chode sucker. I've been called so many things for so many reasons, that I am completely desensitized to any form of insult. You can call me something and I'll probably laugh at your incompetence, or just ignore you entirely. It takes a lot to piss me off, and I used to get mad at the whiny prepubes playing Halo, but then I realized the nature of the troll. I learned of their ways, and to defeat a troll is to ignore a troll. XBox Live taught me tolerance. It is a lesson I use daily, and hold close to my heart.

2) I learned the importance of money

Anybody that has played a game once has encountered a currency system, whether it be rupees, dollars, yen, munny, credits, orbs, or genetic material. A critical part to any game is knowing how, when, and where to spend your dough. For example, if you spend all your money in Grand Theft Auto 4 picking up hookers, getting drunk, and going bowling you probably aren't going to get very far in the game. However, if you spend it on fast cars, food, and heavy weapons, odds are those Chinese druglords are going to have a shrimp-fried slice of death.

Enjoy your takeout!

Many other games include the ability to barter, such as my personal favorites Fallout 3, and Fallout: New Vegas. From my extensive hours put into both of these games, I've learned several things about bartering, like that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and five Nuka-Cola Grenades. Or that a human life is actually equivalent to 500 Bottle Caps and a sweet Plasma Rifle. Granted these skills may not serve much use in real life besides bargaining my way out of paying $5 for used DVDs at a garage sale, but its the idea that counts.

Don't be fooled. Its just a butt plug superglued to a staple gun.

3) I learned that violence isn't always the answer

In recent years, videogames have responded to complaints that all conflicts are resolved by violence. Game series like Mass Effect and Fallout have installed options to persuade your foes into submitting, or agreeing with you. However, you can also choose to be an asshole about it, which kind of contradicts the whole point. But I digress. In Fallout: New Vegas, I learned that by simply raising your speech, you can get through a majority of the quests a hell of a lot quicker, get a lot more for rewards, and get just as much experience. For the first time in all my years of gaming, I actually stopped and said, "Wait, I don't need to vaporize everyone who disagrees with me?"

"What? He looked at me funny."

Instead of laying waste to my foes, I turned to charming them into agreeing with me, which can unlock information, and increase the speed of otherwise lengthy missions. Speech checks in videogames offer a pleasant relief to the monotony of endlessly slaying hordes of enemies. However, they're not in a majority of videogames, so in the end violence does solve a lot of issues. I just personally choose to persuade my way through the game when given the chance. Maybe I'm naturally a good guy? Oh wait...

4) I learned that being good pays off

If there's one thing from videogames that I've learned and has stuck with me its that being good really does pay off in the end. I've had a chance to play through most games with a "morality" system, and have also had the chance to play through both the good and bad paths in these games. Almost always, being really good is equal to being really evil (as in Mass Effect) or its rewarded in greater ways. For example, in the game Bioshock, you have the option to "cure" or "harvest" little girls for their sweet, sweet genetic material. The game subliminally tricks you by offering more initially by harvesting them, when actually you receive much more over the course of the game by curing all of them.

THATS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

Oh my god, Harvest! Harvest them all! CANT YOU PRESS X FASTER?!

Now, playing the bad pathway can be more fun and also easier, but choosing the light side of the force will result in betterment for your character and soul. Also, games with morality systems can have reputation related to your morality. If you're an evil piece of shit who kills, humps, and eats (in that order) every living thing you see, odds are that people are going to (1) Avoid you in public places, or (2) Try to kill you. So you may have fun being the plight of all mankind, but you're just making it harder on yourself.

I JUST WANT A FRIEND!

Next Week: 4 Ways Video Games Have Not Made Me a Better Person