The Week in News: Hannah Bongtana, /b/-tards Fight for Internet Freedom, and a Time Magazine Conspiracy?

The Week in News (12/8-12/15):

I bring you the news thats almost worth caring about.

Extra, extra! Miley Cyrus does Salvia! No one cares!

So in case you haven't heard, a video was leaked of Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana) taking a nice hearty bong rip, then proceeding to laugh her ass off and speak nonsense for 2 minutes. (Watch the video here!)

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Pretty much everybody was in an uproar over this and began to say how she's doomed to be the next Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Paris Hilton, which isn't a bad thing for the upskirt and sex-tape crowd. However, everyone seems to skim over the fact that she just turned 18, and this is what teenagers do, even if they are an idol to thousands of kids. It would be a bigger issue if she does this all the time, which any observant person could see she doesn't, as someone else lights the bong for her, and she can't even clear half of it. Also, its not even weed, its salvia, a substance completely legal in California. So basically half the country is in an uproar over a legal individual doing a completely legal substance (although Salvia is meant to be burned as incense). Will she go the way of the washed up, track-mark riddled drama queen? Probably. But in the meantime, I want real celebrity drama. (I'm lookin' at you Charlie Sheen)

A face only a mother and a pornstar could love.

4Chan's worst take up the call of arms, march off to Cyberwar.

In seemingly unrelated events, a hacker group called Anonymous has declared a cyber war on anyone against the now infamous website Wikileaks. Following the arrest of Julian Assange in the UK last Tuesday, the hacktivist group launched a series of DDoS attacks on Visa, Mastercard, PayPal, the Swedish Government, Sarah Palin, Amazon, and more. The group claims to fight for internet freedom, but all this is proving to the US Government is that they need to keep the internet on a leash. I'm all for net neutrality, and I approve what Wikileaks is trying to do (to an extent), but this isn't helping our cause whatsoever. Nonetheless, I find myself supporting the renegade group of virgin males more and more, mainly due to some of the stuff that Wikileaks has uncovered about our own government. I like to think of Anonymous as the Internet's own William Wallace, slowly amassing an army to keep the land free from oppression.

I'm sick and tired of WMG muting my goddamn YouTube videos!

In an effort to better understand Anonymous, I went to the group's place of origin: 4Chan's /b/ forum. After 3 seconds I made a horrible realization, the very people that we despise, ridicule, and blame for ruining the Internet, are saving the Internet: Trolls. 4Chan's /b/ forum is home to the most disgusting, racist, and strange things on the world wide web, and the people who post on it are equally disgusting, racist, and strange. But these people, these things, are fighting to the 404 Error page for our freedom, and for that I thank them. Next time you see a Troll, feel free to get mad, but remember that they're the ones doing all the dirty work.

Saving the Internet, one disgustingly offensive wall post at a time.

Mark Zuckerberg wins TIME Person of the Year! Wait, what?

It was announced earlier this morning that Mark Zuckerberg, founder of Facebook, won the prestigious honor of Person of the Year from TIME Magazine. I'm not taking anything away from him, I mean, he has had more of an impact on any one of us than Barack Obama, Jon Stewart, or the Prime Minister of Turkey, but Julian Assange absolutely crushed him in the readers choice. As a matter of fact, Julian Assange crushed everybody in the readers choice, with the next highest guy coming in 230,000 votes behind. Do the readers' opinions not count for anything? Apparently not. Wikileaks has rocked numerous governments around the world to their cores, and completely changed the world political game. I think thats as a good a reason as any to nominate a guy for Person of the Year.

Or at least Pretentious Douche of the Year

I'm calling shenanigans on this one. TIME was probably pressured by the US Government to not award Assange the honor, since he kind of made them look bad. Alright, maybe not, but something is definitely fishy with all of this.

4 Ways Video Games Have Made Me a Better Person

In true Cracked style, I have realized that if you want people to read and enjoy what you say, you must deliver it in tiny, list-sized bites. I'm a fan of the list format, and have decided to make my first true post a list in tribute to one of my favorite sites.

Now, people like to rag on videogames a fair amount, but few look past the blood-stained, foul-mouthed exterior and see the true goodness that they bring. Besides costing a gut-wrenching $60 a pop and being partially responsible for desensitizing our culture, here are four ways that video games have impacted my life for the better.

1) I learned how to tolerate idiots

I propose a challenge to all of you. Go turn on your console, put in Halo or Call of Duty (has to be one of these two), plug in your headset, and try to go through a minimum of two games without muting one person. Most of you probably lasted four minutes before a 12-year-old boy called you a shit-licking cock sucker. You tried to defend yourself with a witty comeback, but it only acted as fuel to his fire. The verbal onslaught begins, and before long, you find yourself returning the game in tears to your local GameStop. Welcome to the world of XBox Live, and the world of loud idiots.

And not the funny kind of loud idiot either.

Now I've been called just about everything in the insult book, from stupid bitch to mung-eating, donkey-fucking, ass-licking chode sucker. I've been called so many things for so many reasons, that I am completely desensitized to any form of insult. You can call me something and I'll probably laugh at your incompetence, or just ignore you entirely. It takes a lot to piss me off, and I used to get mad at the whiny prepubes playing Halo, but then I realized the nature of the troll. I learned of their ways, and to defeat a troll is to ignore a troll. XBox Live taught me tolerance. It is a lesson I use daily, and hold close to my heart.

2) I learned the importance of money

Anybody that has played a game once has encountered a currency system, whether it be rupees, dollars, yen, munny, credits, orbs, or genetic material. A critical part to any game is knowing how, when, and where to spend your dough. For example, if you spend all your money in Grand Theft Auto 4 picking up hookers, getting drunk, and going bowling you probably aren't going to get very far in the game. However, if you spend it on fast cars, food, and heavy weapons, odds are those Chinese druglords are going to have a shrimp-fried slice of death.

Enjoy your takeout!

Many other games include the ability to barter, such as my personal favorites Fallout 3, and Fallout: New Vegas. From my extensive hours put into both of these games, I've learned several things about bartering, like that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush and five Nuka-Cola Grenades. Or that a human life is actually equivalent to 500 Bottle Caps and a sweet Plasma Rifle. Granted these skills may not serve much use in real life besides bargaining my way out of paying $5 for used DVDs at a garage sale, but its the idea that counts.

Don't be fooled. Its just a butt plug superglued to a staple gun.

3) I learned that violence isn't always the answer

In recent years, videogames have responded to complaints that all conflicts are resolved by violence. Game series like Mass Effect and Fallout have installed options to persuade your foes into submitting, or agreeing with you. However, you can also choose to be an asshole about it, which kind of contradicts the whole point. But I digress. In Fallout: New Vegas, I learned that by simply raising your speech, you can get through a majority of the quests a hell of a lot quicker, get a lot more for rewards, and get just as much experience. For the first time in all my years of gaming, I actually stopped and said, "Wait, I don't need to vaporize everyone who disagrees with me?"

"What? He looked at me funny."

Instead of laying waste to my foes, I turned to charming them into agreeing with me, which can unlock information, and increase the speed of otherwise lengthy missions. Speech checks in videogames offer a pleasant relief to the monotony of endlessly slaying hordes of enemies. However, they're not in a majority of videogames, so in the end violence does solve a lot of issues. I just personally choose to persuade my way through the game when given the chance. Maybe I'm naturally a good guy? Oh wait...

4) I learned that being good pays off

If there's one thing from videogames that I've learned and has stuck with me its that being good really does pay off in the end. I've had a chance to play through most games with a "morality" system, and have also had the chance to play through both the good and bad paths in these games. Almost always, being really good is equal to being really evil (as in Mass Effect) or its rewarded in greater ways. For example, in the game Bioshock, you have the option to "cure" or "harvest" little girls for their sweet, sweet genetic material. The game subliminally tricks you by offering more initially by harvesting them, when actually you receive much more over the course of the game by curing all of them.

THATS WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

Oh my god, Harvest! Harvest them all! CANT YOU PRESS X FASTER?!

Now, playing the bad pathway can be more fun and also easier, but choosing the light side of the force will result in betterment for your character and soul. Also, games with morality systems can have reputation related to your morality. If you're an evil piece of shit who kills, humps, and eats (in that order) every living thing you see, odds are that people are going to (1) Avoid you in public places, or (2) Try to kill you. So you may have fun being the plight of all mankind, but you're just making it harder on yourself.

I JUST WANT A FRIEND!

Next Week: 4 Ways Video Games Have Not Made Me a Better Person

Popping My Blog's Cherry!

Well, its my first, and hopefully this time it will last longer than 14 seconds. Before we embark on this fantastic voyage, let me lay down some simple ground rules:

1) I am human, therefore I am bound to make grammar mistakes. Deal with it.

2) If you never seen the words FUCK, SHIT, or BITCH, then you probably just did and should continue reading my blog anyways.

Alright, now that we got those out of the way, I'm proud to welcome all of you to Who Ya Gonna Call? (http://thefunslinger.blogspot.com). I will be posting once or twice a week (this will probably increase) on whatever I feel like writing about. Whether it be an event in the news, my life, or just something worth mentioning. I am also no longer afraid to admit that I am a geek, hence my writing will be chock full of pop culture references and silly euphemisms. I plan on keeping this entry short, so sit back and relax. But be sure to buckle up, because where we're going, we don't need roads.