Chapter 1: The Boy Who Blazed
If you know nothing about the world of Stoners it might be good to know that they’re different from you and I. They have a deep seeded past that has been erased from the history books. No man or woman knows where the first Stoner came from, or who even invented Marijuana, but Stoners have often been shamed on and even treated harshly by all societies...
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Vernon Durslame was a successful businessman and has enjoyed a happy marriage with his wife Tulip, who most recently had given birth to a large young boy named Thudley. Now Durslame is a very Christian man; he keeps a bible on every end table and a crucifix on every bedroom wall. Tulip shares their passion for Christ, and they dream everyday of raising the most perfect British family. Vernon often recalls his one experience with Tulip’s sister Frilly and her husband James. Frilly and James were very different from the Durslames, who often shunned them and didn’t recognize them as legitimate family members. Tulip and Vernon tried to avoid “their kind” daily, but as anyone else who cared enough to pay attention, they could see them everywhere.
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The day after Thudley’s very first Halloween started off with a drag. Vernon was very tired from staying up late the previous night sorting out the cavity-causing candy from the healthy treats. He pulled himself into his work clothes and got on his way. As he drove along his peaceful town he noticed an awful lot of smoke in the air. He thought to himself that London doesn’t have very much smog, but who knows with all this industrialization and that global warming nonsense. When Vernon got into the inner city he noticed that a lot of people with beards and long hair were walking about, very unusual for the business district, but he turned a blind eye to it as always.
“Damn long-hairs” muttered Vernon to himself.
After returning home later that evening he considered the oddness of the day’s events and sat down next to Tulip at the dinner table.
“Tulip. Have you talked to Frilly or James at all recently?”, asked Vernon as smoothly as possible.
Tulip’s eyes bolted open and her face carried an expression as if she had just shit herself.
“Why no, I haven’t. What makes you ask that”, she said with a most palpable distaste.
“I just noticed that some of their people might have been in and around town today. And a lot more than usual!”
“Well good for them, maybe they could learn from their surroundings and get in touch with reality.”
“Yes, yes I agree, but... doesn’t your sister have a son around Thudley’s age?” asked Vernon although he already knew the answer.
“They do. The brat’s name is Harry,” said Tulip once more with a sense of utter disgust.
Vernon got the idea that this was enough conversation about her sister’s family and told Tulip he was going to check on Thudley and retire for the evening. Tulip told him she would follow him shortly.
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Sometime around midnight, whilst the entire Durslame family was asleep, a man walked around the street corner and headed up the road towards the Durslame’s house. The man looked most unusual wearing no shirt, a peace sign medallion, purple latex pants, and had his extraordinarily long white beard in dreadlocks. He wore half-moon glasses with the slightest black tint, and his overall appearance gave people who saw him the impression he was a very wise man. This man’s name is Albino Dumbledope.
Dumbledope continued up the road when he heard some rustling in the bushes nearby. He looked over carefully and put his hand on the .357 Magnum he had holstered around his waist. Then, before Albus could even react, a massive 8 to 10 foot tall black man fell from the bushes nearly crushing the old man.
“Ah it was just you Hagreen. I was afraid that our enemy had already returned from the dead to attack me,” Dumbledope said calmly as he took his hand off his weapon.
“Yea is jus’ me. I brought ya da boy. He seem to be aiight, but he got this real mess’d up scar on his fo’head,” whispered Rubeus Hagreen, who is a Jamaican of abnormal size.
Dumbledope leaned over to look at the scar Hagreen had aforementioned. It was most peculiarly shaped, and almost looked like a lightning bolt. He shook his head in his old age and pulled out his lighter to get a better view. He took another gander at the scar, which was actually shaped like a leaf of Marijuana.
“Hmmm, that is indeed a strange scar, it must be the mark from where he attacked him. Oh poor Frilly and James,” said Dumbledope, gradually sounding sadder as he continued his sentence.
“Uh sir, tis true den? Da boy really keeled Lard Gene’talwart,” asked Hagreen inquisitively.
“Yes, Hagreen, it is true. Lord Genitalwart is dead. All thanks to this boy. Was there anything unusual about the site of the killing?”
“Nut’ing ou’ of da place, ‘cept dat dis boy smelled like da 'erb. Da boy was blazed ou’ of his min’.”
“So what all the others have said is true. Well it is really time we get going. I have written the note and everything. This will be the boy’s home until he is ready. Put him down on the step Hagreen.”
Hagreen placed young Harry down on the Durslames' door step and quietly whispered his goodbyes. He got up and moved out of the way so Dumbledope could speak to the boy himself.
"You've done us a great justice today Harry," said Albino. He peered into the baby's dark green eyes and passed his fingers over the leaf-shaped scar above them. He then quietly whispered to himself, "The boy who blazed."
"Dumbledope, sir, we hav' to get back soon," murmured the giant Hagreen.
"Yes, I'm sorry. I just have this strange feeling when I'm near this boy, it's like... his destiny and mine are intertwined. As almost as if I can feel his very life force..."
Hagreen rolled his eyes as Dumbledope talked more. He has heard this a thousand times from every stoner this side of Dover, its a pretty tell tale sign that they're feeling their "magical ways". Hagreen gave up the leaf himself a long time ago, but that is another story for another day.
"...And then Professor Vape tells me that my purple pants are too revealing, but I mean I run an illegal boarding school for stoners, does it even matter?"
"Sir, lets go, yo' tak mo' den a twelve yea' ol'," said Hagreen as he grabbed the rambling old man.
The odd couple walked back up the street to where Hagreen had almost crushed Albino, and stopped.
"How did you get here my dear Hagreen? Did you finally get that Carlos to give you back your bobsled?" asked Dumbledope politely.
"As a matta' o' fact, 'e did. Fres' paint jo' and e'rything," said Hagreen proudly, peeling back the bushes to reveal a polished green, red, yellow, and black bobsled.
"Marvelous!" exclaimed the elderly stoner, "Lets go!"
In what would surely be an awkward sight for any witness, Dumbledope climbed into the magical bobsled, and squeezed himself in between Hagreen's dark, chiseled thighs. Looking back at Hagreen in approval, Dumbledope gave the thumbs up, and they were off into the dark of night. But before the Durslame's house was nothing more than a speck, Albino Dumbledope looked back and whispered to himself again.
"The boy who blazed."
Chapter 2: Because I Got High
(to be continued...?)
