Alright, big surprise, everybody who knows me knows that I like Pokemon. I've been a fan of the franchise ever since I found a soaking wet Paras card next to the diving board at the swimming pool. I picked it up out of curiosity, realized that this must be one of those Pokemans all those guys were talking about, asked my mom if we could go to the mall to buy Pokemon cards, and the rest is history.
I'm pretty sure this was my first wet dream.
But I digress, I recently received Pokemon Heartgold, the newest installment in the popular Game Freak franchise, and as I stumbled my way across the Johto region I couldn't help but notice how cute some of the Pokemon were. However, some of them evolve into giant beasts that could tear you limb from limb just by looking at you. One could almost argue that Pokemon is Creationist propaganda for showing that no matter how cute and cuddly something is, evolution will turn it into a grizzled death machine. Thus, I present the four cutest Pokemon with terrifying evolutions.
4) Houndour- The Dark Pokemon
Ok, granted this one is classified as "the Dark Pokemon", it's just a little puppy! Look at the picture on the left, sure its wearing a skull, but it looks like it just wants to snuggle right up next you. I don't even see how I have to make an argument for this Pokemon being cute, its a freaking puppy. As long as your not camping by yourself on Route 15 when a pack of these guys come rolling along, I don't see any real threat. The evolution on the other hand...
The Evolution: Houndoom
The stuff nightmares are made of.
Holy shit, I'm pretty sure every single one of us has had a nightmare that involved something that looked like that. If you gave that thing two more heads you could ship it to Hell and make it a guard dog. Not only that, but I can see about 5 different parts of the body that could kill or maim me in one way or another. This dog looks like survived a Michael Vick dogfight and spent the last few years training itself for revenge by eating small animals and wearing their bones as trophies. If you aren't intimidated by looking at this thing, then all you'd have to do is point your Pokedex at it, see its name has doom in it, and run. Maybe if you sacrifice your Pikachu, you might have enough time to run away before it chases you down and drags you into a cold abyss.
3) Magikarp- The Fish Pokemon
Anybody who has played Pokemon encountered Magikarp in the same way: You got the Old Rod, you head to the nearest body of water to test it out, after a few tries you finally get a bite! Excited, you see the new Pokemon called "Magikarp" and decide to catch it, after all its level 10, which is higher than both your Pidgey and Rattata. You bring him out in the next trainer battle, only to see that it just knows Splash. You select Splash and the next line of text sums up everything you need to know about Magikarp: But nothing happened!
Seeing "Not even a nibble" is more gratifying than catching a Magikarp.
Frankly, Magikarp is so goddamn pathetic that its cute; it's the same feeling you get watching an idiot try to do advanced calculus. Despite its lack of everything, you keep the pathetic excuse for a Pokemon around, maybe you can at least teach it Surf, after all it is a water Pokemon! (You can't). Finally, it reaches level 20, and has learned nothing other than tackle. You decide as you finish up the battle that Magikarp must be some kind of sick joke the producers put in the game to fuck with kids like you, and you prepare to release it to the wild. However, after the battle ends, you see something that you thought you would never see:
WHAT!?
Magikarp is evolving!
You sit in silence and awe as the cinematic continues...
The Evolution: Gyarados
FUCK. YES.
You don't know whether to celebrate or cry out in terror. You finally rid yourself of your cute, little Magikarp, but in return you got a giant, pissed off Chinese dragon. Gyarados is the Pokemon equivalent of Bill O'Reilly: it's always mad, always has its mouth open, will lash out at any living thing, and it votes Republican. Try ever swimming in the Pokeocean in comfort again knowing that eventually every Magikarp (too many to count) will evolve into this atrocity. But at least they're all under the water! Oh wait, Gyarados is classified as a Water-Flying type Pokemon, which means just running onto the beach won't save you from this thing, cause it will fly out of the fucking water and won't stop until it has your blood.
2) Swinub- The Pig Pokemon
I honestly can only think of a few things IRL that are cuter than a Swinub, such as puppies and kittens snuggling against a dough-eyed fawn in a meadow in the middle of a scenic forest. This is hands down the cutest Pokemon, and considering its a clump of fur with a pig snout, thats saying a lot. Anybody would just love to cuddle with that thing, it just looks like a reanimated pillow, and probably wouldn't mind you using it as one since it's always asleep. Honestly, before I started typing this section I didn't even know that they had feet, but it somehow only makes them cuter. (Just don't ask to see what it looks like without fur)
I'm afraid he has a case of Swinub Flu.
Some of you may ask, how can something that sweet and meme-worthy turn into something terrifying? Well, the good ol' folks down at Nintendo decided for Diamond and Pearl Versions that Swinub (and its less cute adolescent evolution Piloswine) needed an upgrade. So they worked long and hard and finally gave us...
The Evolution: Mamoswine
Mamoswine aint nuthin 2 fuk wit
We give you Mamoswine, the giant pig.. elephant... mammoth thingy. Goodbye sweet, innocent Swinub. Hello testosterone pumped, war-painted Mamoswine! Mamoswine sounds like a very bad strain of the Swine Flu. You could very easily call into work saying you're sick with Mamoswine, and odds are they'd believe you. This thing looks ready to kill. No more cuddle sessions, its the fucking cavemen era and survival is key. Mamoswine is ready to go John Rambo on some trainers, he's got his war paint on and some traumatic Ice Age memories. After all, elephants don't forget, especially when we take them down and skin them for hides. When it comes down to it just pray that you have a Pokemon that can fly because these guys like to stampede.
Grizzlies are total pussies.
1) Squirtle- The Tiny Turtle Pokemon
Dawww, Squirtle, how you water gunned your way into all of our hearts. If there was one Pokemon I could have in real life, it'd be a Squirtle (total chick magnet). I don't even need to explain Squirtle, if you don't know anything about Squirtle, then you probably stopped reading a while before this point. Also, Squirtle is only made cuter by the fact that Wartortle looks like an Yoda stuffed in a turtle shell.
Like a fucking boss.
The Evolution: Blastoise
Well, I just shit myself. Apparently you can become weaponized as part of the evolutionary process, which kind of worries me. Blastoise doesn't fuck around, he's like if Bowser finally decided to do something with his life and pimped out his turtle shell. Let's see Mario use those fireballs with a face full of highly pressurized water. I honestly cannot say what I would do if I encountered a wild Blastoise besides pray that I never hurt any of its family, and hope those cannons are all for show.
I fear for all living things.
